Against his better Judgement
by KillingKathy
Summary: Sometimes Japan feels like that's the whole relationship with him and China, all in one phrase.


The first moment that China meets Japan, it is in the imperial gardens, leaves curled within themselves and glistening flowers and dewdrops of clear sunlight. He is walking alone, the soles of his feet barely making any sound, and when China sees him, it is by pure surprise, because although it is a child, there is no crying, no wailing, just a boy huddled by a bamboo stalk.

When China comes closer, the dark eyes on his face seem to grow even bigger and reflect him more, haphazard, fluctuated reflections.

"_Hello, I'm China!" _

Japan was his first brother.

.

Bringing him back to his home seemed like a good second step, and on the way there, China chattered on and on, a quiet Japan nestled on his back, hair brushing his neck. The days at his home were light, showing Japan his clothes and teaching him the language, his culture, his secrets, something that he trusted the nation with at that time, spilling himself open like nothing would ever be wrong.

He would later learn otherwise.

.

Dynasties flash by, and China is still the world power, still standing strong with pride, but now he has Japan by his side, holding his hand, and although the world powers sometimes joke about how he's a 'babysitter' now, China only laughs and scoops up Japan in his arms, cradling him. And slowly, he started opening up to the nation, telling him stories of his own culture, showing him his own infatuations in return. And they would talk over steaming bowls of noodles and piling piles of dumplings; the first time Japan laughed was with him.

It was still the times with China that Japan had felt the happiest.

.

But Japan is not the only brother that China finds in the gardens. A small girl named Taiwan, and a awkward boy called Korea came, and now China was busy, too busy to contribute time to Japan like the nation could before. Sometimes Japan feels lonely as he watches China with the two children, laughing and smiling, and when he scoops Korea up in his arms and swings him around, Japan feels something in his chest twist.

.

The opium war is one of the most humiliating defeats in Chinese History, and Japan will never get the vision of China crying out of his mind. A thin stick of opium pushed between his thin lips, shakily inhaling a drag, chest trembling with effort and guilt. Japan doesn't say anything, but Taiwan does, protesting and taking the opium from China whenever it is possible. Britain is a frequent visitor to the house now, and every time he knocks on the paper door, China sighs, and tells Korea to go open it, curling up in a ball within himself, not wanting to voluntarily open the door himself, to voluntarily let the European in his house, but the opium was worth. Was it?

When China finally snaps, decides that he's had enough, the house is shaking with his anger, the nation proclaiming that this _"Is one of the most immoral acts of all history!" _

And Britain does nothing, only standing there quietly, one hand at his maxim in case anything happens, and Japan could've done it, could've helped China stand up, could've fought against Britain. And it was well within logic that he should've.

When China finally gives up, tears and a flushed face, sobbing and laughing at the same as Britain pushes the opium pipe between his lips, whispering in his ear. And China uselessly tries to let go of the opium pipe, tries to throw it away, but his muscles in his fingers are locked, and some part of his brain dimly tells him that _The muscles in your fingers are controlled by your mind _-so it was really his fault after all, wasn't it?

"….I hate myself." Japan looked at China, face composed. "I know."

China takes another drag, coughing.

"..It's killing you." The only concern that Japan ever offered.

"I know." China's broken reply.

.

Imperialism is well on the horizon, and Britain and France are taking everything, taking every stretch of land that they can get, and China does nothing, only shrinks within himself and hopes that they will not come to him. Japan does much the same thing, but knows that the Europeans will come, sooner or later. Britain takes Vietnam first, the treaty of Nanjing from the Opium War a sturdy reason, and divides up a section of land for himself. France is next, the bastard taking another province. Of all people, it is Russia who takes the rest, and now China is split, having to serve these nations, and every time he comes home, he is tired and weary, hair falling out of his ponytail, eyes closing to the point of blindness. And one time, he cradles Japan to him, just the way he did so long ago, and just cries, the sound soft to not wake up Korea or Taiwan.

Japan doesn't hug him back, and if China notices, he doesn't say anything. His shoulder is getting wet, from China's tears, and crying is not a beautiful thing.

"Help me."

Japan hesitates. This was the moment that he had dreaded, the moment where he would choose.

"No."

China's eyes flash, an ancient sense of pride flaring up, shoulders stiffening, hands shaking by his sides. "I see."

Because China is weak, and Japan has never felt that fact as strongly as he does now; a sobbing Korea as he calls for China is no difference in the way that he feels.

.

Finally, Japan decides to take action, because what is happening to China is too strong to ignore-and America comes to his house, points a gun at him and makes him swear off isolation, made him agree to trade with the country.

Japan strikes back. Going with the modern technology-Japan had always had a fascination with that, anyway. Guns of steel and bullets of flared, heavy copper, a piston of dully gleaming metal and fractured lights of compasses.

When Japan denies America, no one dares opposes him, not until Russia, who picked a fight with him purely out of pride and partly because his country too, was falling apart.

Japan defeats him easily.

When China finally decides to take back Korea, the Sino-Japanese War is ignited, and never in his life (His very long life) had he thought that he would be standing on the field opposite Japan, not beside him, two eastern brothers that could've united and taken imperialism, and he has no choice other to fight as Japan initiates the first blow. Japan also defeats China without effort, and at the end, pins the nation down into the dirt, one hand yanking his ponytail, the other holding his hands together, and China is not struggling.

For a moment the Japan realizes that this is his _brother _that he is fighting-and he could've taken over Japan, could've killed him the first moment he met him, could've bound him, just like Britain and America, but he didn't do any of these things.

.

World War I is a struggle, for everyone-and China is actually prepared, traditions changing and giving way to European culture. Japan sides with the Axis, and China with the Allies, and now there is no heart, no warmth in his eye as he faces Japan, and when Pearl Harbor happens, China doesn't do anything, just watches the scene with a steady eye.

When World War II happens, Japan wants to defeat China, wants to actually try taking over the nation for himself-maybe he just remembered how it felt to defeat, felt to pin him down on the dirt and realize that all of him was at his (and only his) own mercy.

When the second Sino-Japanese war happens, this time it is Japan who invades China, a effort that he realizes a second too late, _fruitless._ To make it worse, this time it is Germany, Britain, and France that all aid China, who back him up. The worst sting is Germany, once his mentor, once the country that he modeled himself from, who is now facing him on the battlefield, determinedly not meeting his eyes. This time, it is China who makes the first move.

.

Now, 2014, he sees China sitting to the left of America, face composed and sullen while America starts coughing violently, because the country is on a violent economic downfall, and China with take over as the world superpower once he is gone.

It was against his better judgment that he didn't help China back then.

Against his better judgment….sometimes he feels like that's their own relationship in one phrase.


End file.
